How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts?

One has boooooobs. The other gets full pay at their jobs.

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I don't understand why people are so upset about Harambe

I mean, gorillas get shot by white cops all the time.

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Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?

Because they could've easily fit another pair of tits in there.

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Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

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My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic.

Jokes on him. I don't have a roommate.

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What should you look for when hunting Will Smith?

Fresh prints.

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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed.....

.........when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

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