Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Shoot everyone in the second row', so everyone in the second row gets shot.

Stalin, getting impatient, asks again: who sneezed? A man in the middle of the crowd slowly raises his hand, and in a whimper of a voice says 'me'.

Stalin looks out into the crowd and sees the man with his hand up and says,

'Bless you'

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Three men were on a plane.....

The pilot alerts the passengers that they have run out of fuel, and their only hope was to jump. The three men miraculously find parachutes, they jump and land safely on an unknown island. The three men then wander around the island looking for shelter, but the stumble upon a small village. They quickly find the village leader so they can ask for help.

The village leader says "of course we will help you, anything for Dave!"

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Two blonde girls are celebrating at a table...

The waiter comes by and asks "What are you celebrating?"

They say "We finished this puzzle in only 6 months! And the box says from 2 to 4 years!"

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So a gorilla dies at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

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My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.

I wish I had an iPhone 7.

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A family walks into a hotel

The father walks up to the front desk and says, "Oh, hi Dave."

The boss faints.

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At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

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