Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one". Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

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TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived.

Apparently it protects against harmful rays.

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Whats the difference between sex and US Presidental elections?

In sex,the decision to choose the cunt or the asshole is a pleasure

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How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark

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I'm never going bungee jumping.

I came into this world due to broken rubber, I'll be damned if I leave because of it.

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What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?

Attire.

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A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

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