The cucumber, pickle, and the penis

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar and vacuum seal me!"

The penis says, "My life is the worst! When I get big and hard they put a rubber tarp on my head and stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!!"

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A guy in school said that my clothes were gay

"Well, yes", I told him "they came out of the closet this morning."

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I saw a sign that said falling rocks

So I tried it, and it doesn't.

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A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he touched my breast."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"

Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

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A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."

The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."

"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.

"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."

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Today I saw two blind people fighting

I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife!" They both run away.

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A fat man decides to get in shape

A man wants to lose weight, so he calls the number for "GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS!" that he finds on Google.

A representative answers and explains: "Yes sir, our program is guaranteed to work -- and we have both a basic program and an advanced program." "Let me try the basic program, for starters." the man says. He gives his address, and is told that a trainer will be there within an hour.

An hour later his doorbell rings. Standing there is a beautiful woman, wearing nothing but sneakers and a sign that says "If you can catch me, I'm yours!" She takes off running and he hurries in pursuit. An hour later he finally catches her - and has her behind some bushes.

The next day he calls again: "The basic program was great!! Now I want to try the advanced program!" "Are you sure, sir?" the rep asks. "It's extremely strenuous." "I'm sure!" the man replies.

An hour later his doorbell rings again. This time there's a huge, hairy muscular man, wearing only sneakers and a sign that says: "If I can catch you, you're mine!"

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