Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

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What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

I don't cry when I'm cutting up the hooker

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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

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Clinton spent $48 million on not becoming President of the United States.

I spent 60p and got the same result, except I now have a Mars bar.

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It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad.

You would have such big shoes to fill

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The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

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What is it about being blind...

...that makes people want to walk their dog so much?

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