You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you
Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 11, 2016
There once was a custodian named Juan
Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:
"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"
And Juan said:
"You know, I've never thought about that before, but why not?"
So Juan got up in front of the people in town and gave a speech:
"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog"
Now politicians tend to be dishonest, but the people of this town knew Juan, and his statements hit home with them. Juan was elected by a landslide.
Juan worked tirelessy to clean up the schools, day and night, instituting new programs and fixing the curriculum. In a very short time graduation rates doubled and test scores shot up.
Then one day the governer died of a heart attack, and the people who Juan worked with closely on the board suggested Juan run.
Juan said:
"Well I've never thought about that before, but why not?"
Juan gave a speech to his state:
"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids and I love my dog"
The state went wild for such an honest and loveable man and he was elected.
As governer he made his home state a wonderful place to live, businesses boomed, communities were peaceful, crime was down and employment was up. Everyone loved Juan.
Then one day Juan was approached by a political group that endorses candidates for major offices. They asked Juan if he would like to run for president.
Juan said:
"Hmm, I've never thought about tbat before, but why not?"
Juan stood before the American people and said:
"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog."
The crowd goes ballistic, the American people lose their god damn minds. No candidate had ever been so universally loved like Juan.
Juan is elected President of the United States.
A few years go by. Juan keeps every one of his campaign promises. Unemployment is down to basically nothing, the economy is booming, the national debt is on its way to being paid off.
Then reality hits Juan.
He has no where to go from here.
Juan becomes depressed. He starts drinking heavily.
One day he is sitting in the Oval office drunk as a skunk when his wife comes in. She wants funding for a new project. Juan doesn't listen. He pulls out a gun and shoots her. Then Juan's children come into the oval office wanting the time and attention of their father. He shoots them a well. Lastly his dog comes trotting in looking for a walk or a treat but he shoots the dog as well.
This doesn't sit well with the American people. He is arrested and put up for impeachment but is able to make bail and get out for a while before the trial, but he's not allowed back in the white house and he doesn't have a home.
Juan wandered the streets with a heavy heart when it started to rain. Juan finds a dumpster, lifts the loud and starts to climb in. A homeless man jumps up from inside the dumpster and pushes Juan away.
"This is my dumpster" said the homeless man.
"Please let me share it tonight" said Juan
"No . . . Wait a minute, I know you." Said the homeless man, "you're Juan! You're that sick son of a bitch that killed his wife, and kids, and dog!"
"I know" said Juan "but please, I have nowhere to go"
The homeless man told Juan to go away, but Juan just begged and begged. Eventually the homeless man pulled out a golf gun and shot him.
What's a golf gun?
Well I don't know either, but it sure shot a hole in Juan.
When the Devil Enters
When the Devil Enters
Canneto Di Caronia, plagued by mysterious fires, turns to science, the church, and the law in a search for answers.
November 16, 2016 at 04:06AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2eBPUpo
2 Trump Supporters go to heaven
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?" "Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter. The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
Married in Heaven!
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
They asked St. Peter can we still get married in heaven? St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out!
Two months passed and St Peter still has not returned. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking exhausted! 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?
A very distinguished lady was on a plane
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the "hair remover".
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
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