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Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 11, 2016

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can"t marry her because of my personal family situation but I"ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without a numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gota no brain?

Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '

Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

(You're going to love this one!!!) The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirtytree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

A woman get cheated by on by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do". The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?" The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that". The monk shake his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.

Dad joke

Dad: [Grabs chest] Quick! call me an ambulance!

Son: You're... an ambulance.

Dad: I'm-I'm so proud of you, son.

[Dies]