Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

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A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey", she says.

"What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

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Why did the Mexicans ignore the "No Trespassing" sign?

It was just the two of them.

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My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

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What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common?

There used to be two, and now it's a really touchy subject.

Edit: I am can't word goodly.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks, "What's this about?"

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

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