Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."

Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down Sue’s cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm at the Hooters next to that."

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Last time I went for an eye exam, the doctor said to me, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

When I asked him why that could possibly be necessary, he said "Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

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A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce...

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

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Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

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N.C. man told police he went to D.C. pizzeria with assault rifle to ‘self-investigate’ election-related conspiracy theory

N.C. man told police he went to D.C. pizzeria with assault rifle to ‘self-investigate’ election-related conspiracy theory
Edgar Maddison Welch, 28, told police he went to Comet Ping Pong to investigate "PizzaGate", a false online conspiracy theory involving Hillary Clinton.

December 5, 2016 at 11:59AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2gSoQzy

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I have a pet tree...

It's just like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

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"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"

"Ask your sister!"

"I don't have a si- Oh."

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