One less drunk
Thứ Năm, 15 tháng 12, 2016
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A policeman searched me last night...
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. "It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are at a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" Asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with a cat then torture it" said the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it" shouted the murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again" said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then burn it" said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over...then the masochist said:
Meow.
I came home from work with a bouquet of roses.
My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, "Have you done something wrong?"
I said, "...Yes."
She said, "What is it?"
I said, "Bought an ungrateful bitch flowers."
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