A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce

at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.

"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?"

"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy. "Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a Pimp My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window.

"Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too."

The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

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Got caught smelling my sisters underwear yesterday.

Made the rest of her funeral very fucking awkward.

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A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....

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My wife asked me where I would like to be buried.......

Apparently, " Balls deep in your sister " wasn't the anewer she was expecting.

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My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!?

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