Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds.

Poor guy.

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What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal?

A keeper

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My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

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Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

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Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

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I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

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Break ups are the worst in China...

You see her face everywhere.

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