Social Security benefits.
Thứ Ba, 3 tháng 1, 2017
Thứ Hai, 2 tháng 1, 2017
A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor...
The doctor looked him over and declared, "Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."
The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor...introduces the banana into the man's system. The man is shocked.
The doctor says, "Excellent job. Now please come back in three days with another banana."
The man trusts his doctor, so in three days he returns with another banana. The doctor again asks the man to remove his pants and again he introduces the banana...into the man's system. The man is extremely confused, but his stomach pains aren't as bad anymore so he will continue to follow his doctors orders.
The doctor says, "Great job. Now please come back in three days with..a HAMMER."
The man returns with a hammer three days later. He is extremely confused, but upon seeing the doctor he receives his instructions.
"Please take off your pants and lie on your side on the examination table," says the doctor.
The man lays there for a few minutes with his rear end bare. The doctor breathlessly grips the hammer and waits. The tapeworm pops out of the man's butthole, looks at the doctor and says, "Hey where the fuck is my banana?"
BAM
Heaven or Hell?
While walking down the street one day, a political head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a politician, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
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