"Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"
Thứ Bảy, 7 tháng 1, 2017
This 3,500-Year-Old Greek Tomb Upended What We Thought We Knew About the Roots of Western Civilization
This 3,500-Year-Old Greek Tomb Upended What We Thought We Knew About the Roots of Western Civilization
The Pylos grave offers a nearly unprecedented window into the Mycenaean period.
January 7, 2017 at 02:35AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2jjGMHG
The Irish Sinner
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.
My Wife Is Missing
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not comehome! Sheriff: Height? Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sheriff: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sheriff: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sheriff: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sheriff: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sheriff: What kind of truck was it? Husband:A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.!
The Musician's Suitcase
On their way to a classical music concert, a mother and daughter board the subway. “Look over there,” the mother says, “the man with the big suitcase. That’s the musician we are going to see in concert tonight!” Just as the mother speaks, the man reaches into his suitcase and pulls out a shiny violin.
The musician stands up. “Excuse me,” he says, “but I need to practice for my concert, I hope you don’t mind.” The people sitting around him grumble an incoherent response. “Thank you,” he says. Then he bends down and whispers into his suitcase, “You guys can come out now.”
Two completely naked little people, a little man and a little woman, climb out of the suitcase. The musician looks at them and says, “90 please.” At which point the little people immediately begin to make passionate love.
“Oh my gosh!” The mother screams.
Fwap, fwap, fwap, comes the rhythmic sound of the little people’s lovemaking to a stunned crowd. Then the musician begins to play. His violin sings of sadness and loss, love and beauty, and by the time the song is over nearly everyone has tears in their eyes.
For a moment, there is complete silence. Then thunderous applause fills the train.
The mother and daughter approach the musician. “That was incredible,” the mother says, “but…do you need the midgets having sex? There are children here!”
The musician reaches down and rests his hand proudly on the naked little man’s shoulder, “Of course! This is the best fucking metro gnome I could find.”
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