As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers

When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

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Son: "Dad! My lsd is missing!"

Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."

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Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

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I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

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GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

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Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?

Because they literally can't even.

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