Did you hear about the prostitute who got fired for going on strike?

She just didn't give a fuck.

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There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly

where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.

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Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: ”What’s the time difference between Washington and Berlin”?

Secretary: ”Just a second, Mr. President…”

Trump: ”Thanks” <click>

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I really like being a trophy husband.

I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy.

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Climate change is such a joke...

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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Why was Barbie never pregnant?

Because Ken came in another box.

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A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.." "Yes?.." says the surgeon. "Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?" The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running..

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