3 mice are sitting around the bar talking about how tough they are.

The 1st mouse pours himself a shot, looks at the other two and says, "You know those poison pellets those humans put out? Well I run in there grab a handful of pellets, put them in my mouth, gargle them and then spit them out." He takes his shot and slams it on the table

The 2nd mouse looks at the other mice and says, "that's nothing. You know those mouse traps they put out? Well I run over to it and I snatch the cheese then do 50 chest presses with the bar when it comes down." He takes a shot and slams it on the table.

The 3rd mouse takes a shot and slams it on the table and starts walking out of the bar. The other mice yell, "where do you think you're going?"

The mouse replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat!"

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So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

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Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer and says "Ye don't say? Thanks for tellin me." The Englishman goes back to his pals.
"Let me give it a try," says the next guy. He goes over to the Irishman and says "Hey mate, I heard your Saint Patrick was a transvestite!"
The Irishman looks up from his beer. "Well fancy that! Thanks for the information my buy!"
The Englishman slinks back to his seat.
"You guys don't know how to tick off an Irishman!" The third guy says. "Watch this." He goes over to him and says "Hey pal I heard Saint Patrick was English!"
The Irishman turns to him and says "Yeah that's what yer buddies were tellin me!"

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I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

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I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

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I farted on the bus today and four people turned around

I felt like I was on the voice.

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if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married ...

Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.

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