Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.
Thứ Bảy, 14 tháng 1, 2017
Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...
- If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
- If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
- If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.
Since I’m going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said “OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.”
I said “It’s ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.”
He's said “No - anti-depressants.”
Thứ Sáu, 13 tháng 1, 2017
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
... ...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.
Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.
Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.
Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.
Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.
Timmy opens his 3rd present and its a VR headset.
Tommy opens his 3rd present and its a busted pair of sunglasses.
Now that opening presents is over, Timmy and Tommy are now analyzing each others presents and looking to see how their presents stack up against each other.
Timmy says "Boy, it sure looks like I beat you in Christmas this year."
Tommy swiftly responds, "Oh yeah? Well at least I don't have terminal cancer."
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
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