So I was outside of a bar smoking a cigarette...

And I see this man walking an alligator on a leash and harness. As he aproaches the bar to enter, the bouncer stops him and says "hey man, are you serious? You can't bring that gator in here." The man replies "come on he's on a leash and he is very well trained. I just want to grab one drink and I'll be on my way." The bouncer says " sorry man, I can't let you in" The man insists and says "I'll show you a trick and if you're impressed you have to let us in" At this point there's a crowd forming in the street, itching to see what this guy will do next, so the bouncer agrees. The man removes the harness from the gator and pulls his pants down. He proceeds to open the gators mouth and stick his dick inside it's mouth. He shut the gators mouth and hit it on the head 5 times with a stick. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his penis, which was completely unharmed. Everyone in awe, the man exclaimed "would anyone else like to try?" An old lady in the back of the crowd then responded "I will if you don't hit me on the head with that fucking stick."

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First on CNN: Trump's cabinet pick invested in company, then introduced a bill to help it

First on CNN: Trump's cabinet pick invested in company, then introduced a bill to help it
Rep. Tom Price last year purchased shares in a medical device manufacturer days before introducing legislation that would have directly benefited the company, raising new ethics concerns for President-elect Donald Trump's nominee for Health and Human Services secretary.

January 17, 2017 at 10:16AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2jqukpp

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A blonde joke...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He then takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh" ............

"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box

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A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at a rapid pace. Jamaal is quickly transporting the coal and the two have quite the efficient operation going.

Slowly Frank's pick begins to go dull and his shovel handle is breaking off. Jamaal's transportation cart has a rickety wheel and they need replacements from their supply man, Wong. However, Wong is nowhere to be found. In fact, no one has seen him all day long. Frustrated, Frank and Jamaal go to find the manager and explain the situation. The manager is equally upset.

The three of them go about the mine looking to find Wong. They search high and low, but Wong can't be found anywhere. Extremely frustrated and about to give up, they decide to take a look down a dark, abandoned shaft. They peak their heads in and suddenly Wong jumps out of nowhere and yells, "SUPPRIES!!!"

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Three guys stranded on an island

I didn't make this up, and it may very well be a repost, but I heard it as a kid and haven't really ever heard it told again since. Goes something like this:

Three guys crash land on an island. Immediately they are captured by the indigenous tribal people. It becomes clear that these people are cannibals. The men beg for their lives, as anyone would. Through a bunch of hand-waving, drawing pictures in the sand, etc the men learn of a ritual the tribal people let prisoners perform in a chance to save their lives.

First, the men are sent out into the jungle to collect 10 pieces of any fruit they find. So off they go.

The first guy comes back with 10 oranges. The tribe chief explains that now he must put all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without making any noise. The guy gets to like one and a half before he cries out in pain. He's immediately killed and eaten.

The second guy comes back with grapes. The chief explains the next challenge to the guy. He gets to 9 grapes and he laughs. The tribe kills and eats him right there on the spot.

The first two guys meet up at the pearly gates. The first guys asks the second: "what happened? you were almost home free!"

The second guy replies: "yeah, I know... but right as I was almost done I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."

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Girlfriend: "Babe, come over, I'm horny."

Me: "I can't, I'm having a threesome with an older couple."

Girlfriend: "But my parents aren't home."

Me: "I know."

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