A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

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Well, you won't get called a racist for criticizing the President anymore...

...you'll just get called a racist for supporting him.

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"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

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Why do white people own so many pets?

Because we’re not allowed to own people anymore.

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I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

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A guy in a plane stood up & shouted “HIJACK!”

All passengers got scared . . . Then from the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, . . . “Hi JOHN”

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My girlfriend came out of the shower

and said "I shave my pussy, you know what that means?"

I said yeah,"the damn drain is clogged again!".

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