Guy: You're the most average girl out here.
Girl: Hey, you're mean!
Guy: No, you are.
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 1, 2017
A young man goes into a drug store to.....
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...
You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:
"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"
Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 1, 2017
An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get up to makeup straight away.
So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the curtains about to go up"
So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"
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