- I'm gonna be a dad!
- I'm gonna be an uncle!
- My sisters not on the pill.
Thứ Năm, 9 tháng 2, 2017
In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
"Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?", he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
"5 Rubles, Comrade American", came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
"It's just around the block, Comrade American."
Keats doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka.
"Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?", the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. "What's the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?"
"Well Comrade, it's because you're black."
I hate breakups.
Especially when they try to let you down gently. "It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".
No Sex Tonight!
I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, no sex tonight either!
A man walks into church and sits in the confessional booth.
The priest sits down and the man says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed."
The priest replies, "Would you like to tell me what happened?"
"Well," the guy says. "I was out on the seventh hole, and I'd just hit my best drive of the day. Straight ahead, down the middle of the fairway, and a long way down. I was feeling pretty good about myself as I walked to the ball. I wasn't 30 feet away when a squirrel ran out of the trees and grabbed my ball."
The priest interrupts, "Oh, I see. So that's when you cursed?"
The man replies, "No Father, I didn't. As the squirrel was running away, it got to the end of the fairway when it was caught by a hawk, which flew high into the air."
Once again, he priest interrupts, "So that's when you cursed?"
The man continues, "No Father. The hawk started flying away, and I followed it, because it flew in the direction of the green. As it passed over the green, it squeezed the squirrel with its talons, causing the ball to drop about three feet from the pin."
The priest says, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"
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