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Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 2, 2017

This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Ok! It was a porno.

Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!

The robot slaps the mom.

Having a sexual relationship is like spreading jam on a toast!

It's possible with a credit card, but I find it simpler with a knife.

Translated Arabic Joke, Hope it makes sense...

The UN is holding a competition to find out which intelligence agency is truly the best. The CIA, KGB and Syrian agencies show up for the competition. The rules are simple, a rabbit is released into the woods and the team to find the rabbit the fastest wins. The rabbit is released and the CIA use their satellites and technology and find the rabbit in 2 hours. The rabbit is released again and the KGB use their stealth hiding in trees and find the rabbit in 1 hour. The rabbit is finally released and the Syrians run after it in the woods. 1 hour, 2 hours, 6 hours...nothing. So the CIA and KGB go in to look for their Syrian counterparts. They find a bear tied to a tree and a Syrian officer pacing bath and forth in front of it smoking his cigarette ," I am going to ask you for the last time, confess you are a rabbit"

Thứ Ba, 14 tháng 2, 2017

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl?

You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message.

A schoolreunion

A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.

Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone was pulling his face up and down at the same time.

The man introduces himself as John, a childhood friend of Chris. Chris remembers the name very well, but the man sitting beside him doesn't look anything like what he did in high-school.

No worries, John says. Almost no one recognizes me anymore. I used to be short and chubby, but nowadays I'm tall as a redwood and slim as a twig. This change of appearance happened in only a few months too! John laughs.

Chris seems a bit puzzled, so John tells him a bit more about what has happened in his life during this last year.

About eight months ago me and my wife lived in a slightly unsafe neighborhood. We were fine with it as we both own guns, and know what to avoid there. The situation changed when my wife got pregnant. We didn't want to raise our child in an unsafe place, so we decided to move into a gated community. A few weeks after we made our decision we found out that the CEO of Tesla, Elon Musk, was remaking a whole neighborhood into a modern gated community to test prototypes for Tesla. A lot of people applied to get a house there, and luckily we were accepted. The grounds are very secure, and no one but the inhabitants and different services get in or out. The only weird thing about living there is that we noticed that we started to stretch out a bit. When i moved there i was a bit below 5'7, but as you can notice I'm much taller now. Same goes for everyone else in the area.

Well why don't you leave? It seems very weird to live in a place where you mystically stretch out when you move in.

I guess that is the price of living in an Elon-gated community

I walk into a hardware store..

Any two-watt bulbs? For what? That'll do. I'll take two. Two what? I thought you didn't have any. Any what? Yes please."