A Polish joke translated to english

Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great. "This looks amazing" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven. The next day the first guy drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realises that he used only three cans of paint. He calls the second guy: "Hey man I've just finished painting the whole place, but I've used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!" Second guy - "Yeah, me too."

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I'm sick of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

Hitler wrote his own book.

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A man and woman were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he suddenly died. After the burial, his wife’s neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

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This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Ok! It was a porno.

Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!

The robot slaps the mom.

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Having a sexual relationship is like spreading jam on a toast!

It's possible with a credit card, but I find it simpler with a knife.

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Translated Arabic Joke, Hope it makes sense...

The UN is holding a competition to find out which intelligence agency is truly the best. The CIA, KGB and Syrian agencies show up for the competition. The rules are simple, a rabbit is released into the woods and the team to find the rabbit the fastest wins. The rabbit is released and the CIA use their satellites and technology and find the rabbit in 2 hours. The rabbit is released again and the KGB use their stealth hiding in trees and find the rabbit in 1 hour. The rabbit is finally released and the Syrians run after it in the woods. 1 hour, 2 hours, 6 hours...nothing. So the CIA and KGB go in to look for their Syrian counterparts. They find a bear tied to a tree and a Syrian officer pacing bath and forth in front of it smoking his cigarette ," I am going to ask you for the last time, confess you are a rabbit"

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