A man knocked on my door asking for a donation towards a new public swimming pool.

So I gave him a glass of water.

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My next door neighbour is bulimic.

She was making so much noise last night that I banged on the wall and shouted "For fucks sake, keep it down."

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Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.

Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?' Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.' Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'

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Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

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A black woman names her 5 sons Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How did she tell them apart?

She called them by their last names

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What's it called when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

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My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid.

"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

(Gary Delaney)

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