Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

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Is Google a boy or girl?

Girl because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas

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What do toys and boobs have in common?

They were both intended for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

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My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.

I said, "It's likely womb-temperature."

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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer....

The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.

Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have you lost a bit of weight recently! You are quite the catch - any woman would be lucky to have you!' The man regarded the peanuts oddly but shook his head and left the bar area in search of a packet of smokes.

Located in the corner of the pub was a coin operated cigarette machine. The man reached into his pocket grabbed his change and was about to put his first coin when suddenly the cigarette machine started to speak, 'wow! You've had a hard life! Gained a bit of weight? Few extra grey hairs on your head....welcome to middle age pal! You do not wear it well'! The man was understandably shocked and backed away to the bar where his pint was now being prepared.

The customer turned to the bar and said, 'What the hell is going on?!?? That bowl of peanuts said I've lost weight and look good for my age whilst that cigarette machine said I was fat and middle aged!'

The barman said. 'I do apologise sir! The peanuts are complementary but the cigarette machines out of order'!!!!

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Little known fact: Pigeons die after having sex.

Well the one I fucked did anyway.

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller gets through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls they get another man,

"And what's your word sir?"

"Smee!"

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"

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