Tom: I know a man who has been married for twenty-five years and he spends every evening at home.

Dick: That's what i call love.

Tom: The doctor called it paralysis.

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

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What's a pirate's favourite...

What's a pirate's favourite architectural feature?

An arrrch.

What's a pirate's favourite place to play?

A parrrk.

What's a pirate's favourite thing to do to women?

Rape.

I never understood why society romanticises pirates.

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My parrot died today...

It's last words were: “ fuck I think my parrot is about to die”

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Rain is like the Vagina......

When it's wet, It's time to go inside.

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Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

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My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"?

I said "No man, that would just make us even."

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