How do you know when you've got a high sperm count?

When she has to chew before she swallows.

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I just found out that the guy who stole my journal has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

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I was banned from r/anarchism

For breaking the subreddit rules...

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Chocolate is bad

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Guy: No, minding his own business.

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Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

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"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.

"Is," replied my lawyer.

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Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were a lot of knights.

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