I found out my friend is addicted to math.

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary. It's so complex. I'm afraid his problems will start to multiply exponentially, and he just doesn't understand the root of it all. Pretty soon he won't be able to integrate at all. And just to add to the trouble, those he defines as 'friends' just want to divide his space between themselves. I'm afraid soon he'll go off into the Great Unknown...

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Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?"

"I sit here, you meshuggener old man," says Abraham, laughing despite his grief.

"You are a good boy, Abraham," whispers Ishmael. "And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?"

"Papa, I love you!" cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face.

"And my grandchildren? Ezekial, Ruth, Emmanuel, Seraphine, Bartholomew?"

"We are all here, grandpapa!" the children cry in unison.

"So my family, all my family, is here with me now?" asks Ishmael.

"Yes, of course, dear," soothes Elena.

"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

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Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up.. Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!! So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

The secretary thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"

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My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.

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Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

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