Now those days are behind me…
Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 3, 2017
A man and woman had been married for 30 years.....
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"
He said, "Explain the kids!"
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him..
So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"
Cannibals
There was an Italian, a Brit and an American who all got stuck on an island. When searching this island they ran into a local native population who happened to be cannibals. The cannibals captured them and said "here's how it goes. We're going to kill you, skin you and eat you. Then dry your hides and turn them into canoes. If you want to die in honor for your country you may choose your way of death and execute yourself." The Italian took a knife and yelled "Viva l'Italia" then slit his throat. The Brit took a knife and yelled "God save the queen" then slit his throat. The American asked for a fork. The cannibals were puzzled but brought him one. He then took the fork and started stabbing himself as he yelled "fuck your canoes"
A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!
A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.
A homeless man walks up to her.
She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"
He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."
"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.
The man turns and starts walking away.
"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"
"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,“You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”
”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”
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