A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

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A man goes to the vet

A man goes to the vet with his dog, and says "there's something wrong, I can't get her to wake up!"

So the vet brings the man to the examination room, and puts a stethoscope to the dogs chest and mournfully says "I'm sorry sir, your dog is dead"

The main sobs and says "isn't there anything you can do? are you sure?"

The vet just opens a door, and allows a Golden Labrador into the room, which sniffs the dog, shakes it's head, and walks back out of the door.

vet says "well, thats it. I'm sorry sir. your dog is surely dead"

the main wails "there's got to be something more you can do!", the vet just shrugs and opens the door again, and this time a cat walks in. the cat jumps up on the examination table and proceeds to carefully sniff the dog all over. then the cat shakes its head, and walks out the door.

"Sir, I'm so sorry, but your dog really is dead", and the man just slowly nods.

As they're finishing discussing what to do with the body, the vet gives the man his bill for the exam and hands it to the man. "a thousand pounds? to tell me that my dog has died?!"

the vet replies "well, the normal exam is only one hundred, but you wanted the extra lab work and the cat scan"

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The Husband Store

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

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What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who's run out of protein powder?

No whey José

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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn

Doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

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Three men die within 10 seconds of each other...

...go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter says, "Our apologies, but due to logistics constraints, only one man can be let into heaven at a time. The man with the most interesting story goes first." The men mumble agreement, and the first man says; "Well, I've been suspecting for a while that my wife was having an affair. I came home early one day and found her naked on the sofa. I said, 'Aha! Where is he?' but before she could answer I saw a man hanging off our railing on the terrace. So I walk over to him, and hit him with my shoes until he lets go and falls to his death. For good measure, I dragged a refrigerator over and dropped it onto the man. But all of that stress gave me a heart attack, so here I am." St. Peter nods in acknowledgement, and the second man says; "Well, my cat escaped onto the terrace again today. I went to go catch it, but I tripped on my balcony railing and fell! Luckily, I caught my neighbor's railing and held on there, screaming help. But then he sees me, runs over, and starts hitting me with his shoe until I fall! I fall, and barely survive, but then I see a refrigerator flying at me... And now I'm here." The first two men look over at the third man, who says: "Well, I was having the best sex of my life with a gorgeous woman. But the door rang, and she told me to hide in the refrigerator... And now I'm here!"

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What’s the name of Mr. T’s girlfriend?

April, fools

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