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Thứ Tư, 5 tháng 4, 2017

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.” The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing.

So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52". . . . . . . Now both of them have condom balloons :D

What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.

"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

A Jew, muslim and Christian come up with a plot to rob the kings treasury.

At the moment of entry the guard dog barks and they all get caught.

The guards take all three man straight to the king to meet their fate.

Extremely angry the king decides to punish the men by ordering them each 20 lashes to the back.

They are hauled to the punishment chamber to receive their 20 lashes.

Christian man happens to be first in line and naturally scared he pisses his pants. The punisher sees this and cant help but have a little sympathy.

The punisher tells the Christian man its okay and that even though he is the punisher he in fact really hates his job.

Trying to calm the Christian man the punisher offers him anything he needs in order to make the 20 lashes easier on him.

The Christian man happily asks to have a pillow strapped to his back. His wish is granted.

The punisher lets loose with his whip and on the 15 strike the pillow rips open and flys off. The Christian man revives 5 straight lashes to his back and moves aside.

The Jew is next and is offered the same deal. Being a smart Jew he immediately responds and asks for 2 pillows. His wish also is granted.

18 lashes to his back and both pillows rip open and fly off. He gets 2 strikes on his back and collapses in paint before he is hauled aside.

The muslim man being next starts crying right away. When asked by the punisher why he is crying? The muslim answers saying how he regrets his crime because of the severity of his sin to rob someone. And he feels worthless because he thinks 20 lashes are not enough for his crime and asks for a increase to a 100 lashes so he can learn his lesson.

The punisher being extremely surprised at the muslim mans honesty and sense of remorse says 100 lashes it is you honest muslim. Now what can I do to help make such monumental punishment easier on you as I did to the Christian and Jew before you.

The Muslim man politely asks to have the Jew tied to his back.

My lesbian neighbours asked me what gift I wanted for my wedding

I was quite surprised when they gave me a rolex. It was an extremely generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

I told my hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way...

So I turned on the air conditioning