Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house
Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 4, 2017
Whats similar between a hurricane and women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!
The Bravest and Fiercest
The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land. The king devised a test. his engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors. On the day of reckoning hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin. The king stood with the princess on the far side of the pit and addressed the crowd. "Men. I seek the bravest and fiercest warrior to take my daughter's hand in marriage. To do so, simply cross this pit from that side to this and take her hand in yours. Additionally, I will..." Before the king could finish, one of the warriors went straight into the pit and into a pool of black water. The crowd roared with excitement. Starving crocodiles, imported from the Nile, immediately swarmed him. After a furious churning of blood and black water the warrior emerged. As he advanced, a swinging pendulum missed his face by a hair. The warrior ducked, dodged, and rolled past flying arrows, battering rams, spinning swords, and spouts of fire. The warrior was halfway through the pit when lions pounced on him. The warrior was quick. He blinded them with mud and lured them into attacking each other. Some he killed with his bare hands. A few steps later, a giant swung his massive club with a thunderous shout. The crowd watched in amazement as the warrior slowly wore out the giant and broke him down by steadily pelting stones at his head. Finally, at long last, the giant fell. The warrior slowly climbed out the far side of the pit, beaten and bloodied. He took the fair princess' hand in his. "I am truly amazed" exclaimed the king. "You went into my pit with no hesitation and have valiantly survived every obstacle. You are truly the rightful heir to my throne. However, you likely did not hear the rest of my proposal" said the king. "Whoever survives the pit will not only take my daughter's hand in marriage, but may also make any request of the king that is in my power to grant. So, do you have a request, brave warrior?" "Yes." He replied. "Your highness, I want you to bring me the motherfucker that pushed me in."
Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 4, 2017
The dead cow lecture
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor". "The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees a train approaching
The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway
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