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Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 4, 2017

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to

sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome

to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees Donald Trump. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Trump looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, Donald."

A student visits the principal’s office one day.

The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

United Employees Can No Longer Displace Boarded Passengers


United Employees Can No Longer Displace Boarded Passengers
It’s one of the most obviously-needed corporate policy changes in history, but the damage to the company may already be done.

April 17, 2017 at 08:16AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2okyAVQ

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen.

Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen. When the monk reeling it in got it on shore he was so overwhelmed with excitement he yelled "look at the size of that son-of-a-bitch!"

Aghast, the second monk looked at him with disgust. The monk thought quickly and said, "oh. Um. That's the name of this type of fish. It's actually a son-of-a-bitch fish."

Oh. Nodded the other monk. Well I guess I will take this son-of-a-bitch to the kitchen. He took the fish to the kitchen and said to the cook "will you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?" The cook's jaw dropped and the monk said "Oh don't worry, that's just the name of the fish. It's a son-of-a-bitch fish."

Satisfied with the explanation, he fileted and cooked the fish beautifully. Later that day, the cardinal of the monastery came to him and said "I have news. The pope is coming for dinner tonight."

"Oh!" said the cook. "Well I am preparing a delicious son-of-a-bitch for dinner, and yes, that's the name of the fish." The cardinal was puzzled and said "well ok then. See you tonight."

The pope arrived to a beautiful dinner. He asked the cardinal to pray over the meal. The cardinal prayed, "Dear Lord, thank you for allowing us to catch this son-of-a-bitch, prepare and cook this son-of-a-bitch, and allow us to serve this delicious son-of-a-bitch to the pope. Amen."

The Pope was wide eyed at the end of the prayer. He calmly pulled his hat off his head and set it on the table. He looks up and says, "I used to think you guys were lame, but you mother fuckers are all right!"

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

A wife is like a hand grenade

Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house