.....and it was delicious
Chủ Nhật, 7 tháng 5, 2017
A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.
The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.
"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."
"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."
"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the wealthy man urged.
"Sorry, sir," said the bum. "I don't smoke."
"Very well, then come with me to Atlantic City! I'll stake you in the casino and perhaps you'll win enough to get your life back on track."
"I don't gamble either, sir. But I would still very much like a bite to eat."
"You want to eat?", asked the wealthy man. "Alright, come home with me and have dinner with my family."
"That's very kind of you, sir. Thank you!"
"Not at all," replied the wealthy man. "I just want my wife to see what happens to a man that doesn't drink, smoke, or gamble."
A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech
The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speech. "Which one of you sneezed?" said Stalin, obviously perturbed. But everyone is the audience was too paralyzed with fear to say anything. So Stalin said, "Very well. First row stand up!", and on that command the whole first row stood at attention. Then Stalin ordered "Guards! Open fire!" And with that, the guards shot everyone in the entire first row. "Now," said Stalin once again, "who sneezed?" Again, everyone was too afraid to say anything. Again he ordered, "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" And now the second row was shot, falling into a great bloody heap. "Now, who sneezed? Third row...." "Wait! Wait!" , cried a man in the back of the hall. The man hurried forward. "Comrade Stalin! It was I! I'm the one who sneezed!" Stalin glared at the man, "It was you who sneezed?" The man looked down ashamedly, "Yes, Comrade Stalin." Stalin gave the man a nod and a little smile, "Bless you, Comrade!"
Premarital sex
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
So Joe had these headaches...
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
Three guys get trapped on an island
Three guys get trapped on an island with cannibals. They get caught and offered a choice, they can either get boiled and eaten, or perform a task and be set free. Of course they all choose to perform a task. So the cannibals send them out into the jungle to pick ten fruits of their choice. They all run off. The first guy returns with 10 bananas. The cannibals tell him that he must now attempt to push them all up his ass without crying. He gets to 4 and breaks down in tears from the pain. The cannibals cook him up and eat him. The second guy returns shortly thereafter with 10 strawberries. The cannibals tell him that he must attempt to push them all up his ass without laughing. Confused but wanting to be set free, he starts. He gets to 9 strawberries but suddenly bursts out laughing. The cannibals cook him up and eat him too. The first two guys are sitting in heaven. Banana guy looks at strawberry guy and says 'You were so close, why on earth did you start laughing' Strawberry guy stifles a laugh and says 'Well, I saw the third guy coming over the hill with 10 pineapples'
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