What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner?

A cold shoulder.

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My wife accused me of cheating

I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend

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And I said "One man's trash is another man's treasure"

Then I realized it was a shitty way to tell the truth to my adopted son...

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Crying Old Man

A man on a business trip finishes up his day and returns to his hotel late very and tired. Before going to bed, he decides to hit the hotel bar for a drink after a hard days work. He enters this popular hotel bar for traveling business men and sees quite a few other guys in the bar doing the same thing. However, he can't help to notice this old man crying.

He walks up and takes a seat next to the old man. He says to him "look old man I'm not sure why you're crying but my life is worse...my job works me 80 hour weeks, my kids hate me, and my ex-wife has taken everything! including 1/2 my income....what's so bad about your life?"

The old man replies "look son....I'm retired, my kids are self dependent / successful, and I have a hot young wife who cooks and sexes me every night"

He looks at the old man in confusion and disgust and says "how is that any worse then what I'm dealing with?"

The old man looks up and replies in tears "I forgot where I live"

Edit: some grammar

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I have a few jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

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Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

Cancer. Mary has cancer.

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

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