It runs in the jeans.
Thứ Bảy, 13 tháng 5, 2017
My girlfriend asked me to name...
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
The joke about God
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” He replied, “1 second.” The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A penny.” Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?” And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”
Thứ Sáu, 12 tháng 5, 2017
A man goes to heaven, but the first thing he noticed was a wall covered in clocks.
He asks an angel "What are those clocks for?"
"Each clocks shows represents each human on Earth. Every time they lie, the clock goes a head by one minute. For example, this is the Pope's clock, it has never moved, meaning never in his life has he lied."
The angel goes on. "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. It's only moved twice, meaning Lincoln only lied twice!"
The man asks "Is there clocks for other politicians?"
The angel says "Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices."
As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.
“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.
“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”
Two Hillbillies
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.
A virgin goes to a brothel...
He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.
The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks this must be normal so he continues.
Then he comes across a baby pea, again he is somewhat taken aback but he chalks this up to a lack of experience.
Finally he comes across a piece of corn, so he speaks up.
"Miss, are you sick?"
"No, but the last guy was."
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