I've never had coffee but it smells really nice
Chủ Nhật, 14 tháng 5, 2017
The Girlfriend joke.
So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."
"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."
So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."
So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."
So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.
A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."
So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.
So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.
So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."
I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow
So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."
"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"
"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."
"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"
"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."
"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."
I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.
So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.
Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.
Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.
And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Thứ Bảy, 13 tháng 5, 2017
OMG! Only in the UK
You won't believe what happened on my last trip to the UK. I was fueling up and noticed two bobbies (police) watching some guy who was smoking a cigarette while he was pumping fuel. I'm thinking, "This guy is an idiot." All of a sudden, I heard screaming. I turned just in time to see this idiot's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy! Just as I stopped and went to go help, the officers threw him on the ground and were pouring their coffee on his arm to put out the fire! YES, THEIR HOT COFFEE. After they put out his arm, they handcuffed him and threw him into the back of their van. I said to myself, "What a dim wit. You shouldn't smoke while pumping fuel." So I asked one of the officers, "What are you charging him with? Being stupid?" He looked dead at me and said, "NO. FOR WAVING A FIREARM," which, of course, is illegal in the UK.
GunCulture
So here's a story...
A couple years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my room mate, Joseph, barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I don't even remember where he was from, but I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glas shard in his eye, making him completely blind on that eye. He had to walk around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple months. Then he suddenly disapeared one night, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they had bonded during the time after his injuries and ran away together without even leaving a note behind for me. I tried to track them down but I never found them.
In conclusion; if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
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