Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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What is a cannibals favorite restaurant?

Five Guys

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My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."

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My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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Carl has a broken leg

Carl has a broken leg and his buddy Nick comes over to see him.

Nick says, "How you doin'?"

Carl says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Nick goes upstairs and sees Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Nick shouts downstairs, "Carl, both of 'em?"

Carl shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

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Two blondes are locked out of their car...

The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"

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