my life
i swear if this gets upvoted i delete my account
Thứ Hai, 15 tháng 5, 2017
Two window cleaners are working at the airport building
One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»
«Dude, just piss from here».
«But there are people down there».
«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»
«No way, I'll fall down»
«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
So he aims into the fountain and does the deed, but right after that the second man sneezes and loosens his grip, and the first one falls down like a sack of shit.
Several months after, three women are in the cafe, talking about men.
— I'll tell you, the most sex thirsty men are Italians. When I was there on vacation, I couldn't make a step without them hitting on me!
— No, it's Mexicans. These sweaty hairy macho men undress you with their eyes every second!
— That's nothing compared to Australia.
— Why is that?
— I've been there last year. Right after I walk out of the airport building, I sense something dripping from above. I raise my head, and see a man flying towards me, with pants down, holding his dick with both hands and screaming:
— C-C-C-C-U-U-U-U-U-U-N-T!!!!!
A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo...
... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks:
"Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?"
The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions.
"First!" He says, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Understood?"
"Yes." Says the zookeeper.
"Second!" The janitor says, "I don't want anyone to know about this!"
"Alright" says the zookeeper, "And what's the third condition?"
"I'm going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars."
There was a woman with 100 children…
There was a woman with 100 children. She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog "this" so that they can say things like "Let's take this outside" without 90 finding out. One day, this suddenly dies in a car accident.
Only 90's kids remember this.
Stupid joke my dad told me when I was a kid, never forgot it.
So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that lever his whole life. He had wondered his whole life if it actually worked or if it was just some elaborate hoax. So one day, Nate decided to try to pull the lever. Nate ran for the lever and was quickly shot down. I mean, it was better Nate than lever. ba dum tiss
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