"Ask your sister"
I don't have a...
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 5, 2017
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
James bond walks into a bar..
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”
Three men are trapped on an island inhabited by cannibals.
Soon enough they get caught. the leader tells them to go out into the woods and pick ten of any fruit they find then come back. The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader says to him "If you can stick all ten apples up your ass without making and sound or facial expression then you will be set free. If you fail we will eat you." He only manages to get two in before cringing in pain, and thus he is eaten and sent to heaven. The second man comes back with ten blueberries and the leader gives him the same task as he gave the first man. He gets nine blueberries in when all of a sudden he burst out laughing, and so he is eaten and sent to heaven, where he meets the first man again. The first man is extremely confused and asks his friend, "What happened! you had the easiest fruit, why the hell did you start laughing!" To which the second man replies, "I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples"
11 Minutes
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
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