That's the joke...
Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 5, 2017
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
A little boy's friend tells him:
"If you say to adults 'I know about it all', they'll give you anything." So of course he goes home and says to his dad: "I know about it all". The dad hands him 100 bucks and tells him "but don't tell mommy". The kid, stoked, goes to his mom and says: "I know about it all". The mom hands him 200 bucks and says "Please don't tell daddy". Then the bell rings, and the kid opens the door to find the mailman outside. The kid tells him "I know about it all". The mailman happily drops the package he's holding and yells "Well say hello to daddy!
Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 5, 2017
A wife promised her husband she'd be home by midnight when she went out drinking with her friends...
"I'll be home by midnight, I promise." She said.
The hours passed as the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed home. Just as she walked into the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' 3 times. Quickly realizing that her husband might wake up, the wife cuckooed another 9 times.
She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
"Even smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equals 12 cuckoos. That's midnight!" She thought.
The next morning the husband asked his wife what time she got home last night.
"Midnight!" She replied. The husband didn't seem pissed in the least so she thought she'd gotten away with it.
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." She asked him why and he said, "Well, last night our clock 'cuckooed' 3 times then said, 'Oh shit', 'cuckooed' 4 times, cleared it's throat, 'cuckooed' 3 times, giggled, 'cuckooed' twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"
His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"
The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."
The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?"
"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"
Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant
and Jesus says to the waiter:
-- Table for 26 please.
-- But there's only 13 of you?
-- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side.
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