Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"
Chủ Nhật, 4 tháng 6, 2017
Thứ Bảy, 3 tháng 6, 2017
A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...
He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"
A guy walks into a sandwich shop
A guy walks into a sandwich shop in Paris. The guy working there looks at him funny for a minute, and then asks "Hey, weren't you in my company in the Marines?" "I thought you looked familiar too! Yes, I was indeed. Great seeing you after all these years" he replies. So they chit chatted for a bit. After a couple of minutes the guy asks "wait, what are you doing in Paris?" So the sandwich guy tells him his story. "Whoa! Never knew you were a half-frenchie!" The guy then starts talking in a ridiculous French accent: "oh oh! I am ze baguette! Le victory is mine" ho ho". The sandwich guy, getting tired of this, stops him and asks "well what do you want in your sandwich?" "I eat ze thirty centimeter wiz ze bread zet iz yellow" "That's the flat bread" "Oui, le flat bread" "I want ze sauce zat iz white and a creamy!" "Mayonnaise..?" "Oui! Le mayonnaise!" The guy keeps taking like a retarded French person, when they get to the veggies: "I eat ze little black circles" "The olives?" "Oui, olives in ze yellow sub, marine"
Sex could be fatal...
An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.
He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.
The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."
The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard
so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!
There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard. She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!” We must save the lady !!!
The Captain responds,
Patricia, I’ve told you before.. We have resigned from United Airlines. This is Air Force One Please learn to respect the American President.
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