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Thứ Năm, 15 tháng 6, 2017

Two Englishmen crash in the desert...

They begin to trek through the sands trying to find help. After a day and night of walking the two men are dying from thirst and so incredibly hungry when they spot 3 camels crest the nearest dune and head towards them.

One man turns to the other and says, "Thank goodness, we're saved!" and begins to wave.

The second man says "Wait, if they are Muslim they may kill us!"

The first man replies "Don't be daft, why would they do that?"

"Because we're English! Look, just call me Mohammed while we're around them!"

"Fine, but I'm not lying!"

When the riders reach them they call out in greeting and asked the men their names, the first man says "I'm David, thank you so much for finding us! I thought we would die!"

The second man says "My name is Mohammed, thank you for finding us!"

The leader of the 3 riders looks at the first man and says, "Come, we have food and shelter for you." and he is led away by one of the men, he then turns and faces the second man, "Salaam Mohammed, Ramadan mubarak!"

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

The neighbor’s dog shit in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…

I don’t see what that solved.

Now we’ve got dog shit in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel…

My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…

…but I just love him more…

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

Jesus walks into a hotel...

He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"

He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."