Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

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A feminist once asked me...

"What's your view on lesbians?"

I said, "1080p."

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What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?

They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream more from sex.

The next day the first one said "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for 2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, then I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming!"

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Everything is bigger in Texas

A guy in Canada hears the saying' "Everything is bigger in Texas" and decides to drive down there and find out if it's true. He takes the first exit he finds after crossing the border and goes inside the nearest fast food restaurant. He orders a small French fries and small cola. The cashier hands him a 64 oz. bladder buster full of cola and an entire tray piled high with French fries. The Canadian says, "But I order a small fries and drink!" The cashier replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas." So the Canadian drives on down the road a little further until he is tired and finds a hotel. He decides to go visit the hotel bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender pours him a giant beer mug full of whiskey. The Canadian says, "But I only ordered a shot of whiskey!" The bartender replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas." So the Canadian dutifully begins drinking the mug of whiskey and consequently becoming extraordinarily drunk. Eventually nature calls and the Canadian sloppily asks the bartender, "Where doooooouh Iaaahh find the bafroom?" The bartender says, "Go through that door. Take a left and two rights and you'll be right there." However, the Canadian being impaired, takes a right and two left turns and wanders into the pool area where he accidentally falls into the water. He bursts to the surface yelling with panic, "Don't flush! don't flush!"

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Always get a better health plan people..

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating."Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.""Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

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