My lack of knowledge of greek mythology is my one weakness.

It's my Achilles elbow.

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Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes

Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

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A Muslim Extremist orders an Uber.

His uber driver arrives so he gets in the car to proceed to his destination, the extremist then asks the driver a question.

Extremist: in the time of Muhammad did they have radio?

Driver: no.

Extremist: so why do you have the radio on?

Driver: turns off radio

The extremist then asks another question

Extremist: in the time of Muhammad did they have air conditioning?

Driver: no.

Extremist: so why are using it?

Driver: turns of the air conditioner

The driver decided to ask the extremist a question.

Driver: in the time of Muhammad did they have uber?

Extremist: obviously not.

Driver: then get the fuck out!

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

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What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

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How do you say "bra" in German?

Dat schud stoppem frum floppen.

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