My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

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"Do you want to borrow my book of recycled jokes?"

No thanks, I've already Reddit.

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Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.

It's only when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

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It's so cold outside....

I saw a politician put his hands in his own pocket.

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I called the rape advice hotline

Apparently it is only for victims

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If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....."

".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen. Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times. He has such great manners!"

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