When it took longer and longer to wash my face.
Thứ Năm, 13 tháng 7, 2017
Trump said...
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.
Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.
This isn't my joke, but I never saw it on Reddit before. I don't know the source.
Thứ Tư, 12 tháng 7, 2017
A man wants a pet
He walks into a pet shop and says to the owner,
"I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring, normal pet. No cats, dogs, or birds, I want something different".
The pet shop owner thinks for a minute, and then tells him that he has a talking centipede.
"Really"?
the man replied,
"How much would this cost"?
The owner tells him that the talking centipede is $75.
Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the shop owner and takes his new pet home.
Once he got home, he lays centipede on the table, and says,
"Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks"?
The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he comes back and says
"Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man returns and says
"Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks"?
The centipede replies
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on"!
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
Hello and Welcome to the mental health hotline...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number, and your mothers maiden name.
If you have posttraumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y a-n-d c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-termmemory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
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