Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

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When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

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Damn girl are you my report card?

Because my parents would be disgusted if they saw you.

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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

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The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

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What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

Once triggered, a suicide vest actually does something.

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