A seatbelt
Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 7, 2017
A penis has a hard life
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Trump, Putin and Merkel...
...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"
Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'm telling you, lots of stuff, and it's great stuff, and our submarines can stay underwater, and also, they don't need to come back up to the surface or resurface, for two months, because I made them great again!"
Merkel is just about to change the topic to export politics when suddenly a submarine resurfaces next to the three, the hatch opens and a man salutes out of it: "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north…
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."
A blonde is working on a puzzle...
She calls her husband over and says, "This is the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever seen in my whole life!"
The husband responds, "What do you mean, honey?"
She says, "Well there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but looking at all these pieces, I don't see how in the world this is going to ever make picture of a tiger."
The husband says, "That's alright honey, let's just put all the cereal back in the box."
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